I Am Draft Dodger

i conscientiously object to being an ice cube. i have a history of being cold. and this coldness has been associated with what others perceive as blatant rudeness in that i rarely remove my coat when at work or when at social engagements, including but not limited to, parties, happy hours, business meetings, fundraisers, sock hops, book club meetings, etc. i didn’t realize this behavior was interpreted as rude until i was bludgeoned with comments such as the following:

“leaving so soon?” (usually uttered 5 minutes slightly cruelly after i arrived at a location)

“ready to go already?” (ditto the above)

“stay awhile, why don’t you?” (3 for 3, houston)

but it’s not like i enjoy having lazy circulation. in fact, the few days have been above and beyond any past feat of weakness. i have been dodging drafts, both real and imagined, nonstop for the recent past bordering on the very current present and dripping into the sordid future.

frozen waterfall = beautiful; frozen me = pitiful.
photo courtesy of Flickr and righto….

at the moment, i am severely chilled like a fine wine, minus the flavor that comes with a chintzy vintage. i’d rather be slightly melted brie! do you even know how much more comfortable that analogy is temperature-wise?!

i have never been so nonstop cold for so many straight days in a row. no matter how much i wiggle my toes or put on another layer of socks or oven mitts, i can’t shake the blocky, indurate feeling of saplike blood just inching through my veins daring me to call it out. alright blood i get it, you’re taking a few vacation days! in the meantime, i am sweating snowflakes! no seriously, even when i layer to the point of sweating, the sweat is cold. it doesn’t even make sense! this is right up there with no-wrinkle pants and fake tattoos in it being a very merry unholy miracle!

that being grievanced, the highlights magazines of my holidays so far have been:

– requisite baby being more enchanted by gift paper than actual gift in opening of his first present; adorable quota reached!

– my two tiny nieces coloring on wall night before big merry heyday and almost getting the punishment of no presents (chiefly in the form of art supplies) the morning after except auntie aparna only got them art supplies…hw’oops.

– keeping my dad up on a long drive home from a holiday party by making him sing boys II men out loud with me. seat-dancing included. we also counted wal-marts to pass the time.

– being asked to perform stand up at a party for the guests. sorry madames and misters, your cards have been…declined, declined, declined. do you even understand how much more painful that would be for you than for me?! do you even. ok. fine. won’t go there. not in my pathetic state.

– getting all the adults i know gift cards for zee ‘mas and being told (by my dad, no less) that gift cards are out this year. then getting a list of said reasons (by my mom, in fact!) why they’re out (she raised some good points, as well as the roof). this after being thanked and mildly scolded for said gift cards.

i’m sorry. this list has been interrupted because my brain just froze over.

time to go make my room into a dutch oven (not the kind some of you are thinking, blech).

not hot enough. more coals in my stocking!
photo courtesy of Flickr and DWQ

happy toasty days to all, and to all a roasty night!!

Leave a Reply