two products have recently been brought to my attention, the likes of which i cannot get over. cannot. will not. shall not. can’t. won’t. shan’t. you get the pan’t.

and both are a nice swift kick to the rebuttal to my last entry (which is that i enjoy being cold, and even encourage it) in that they are items for the sole purpose of warmth and comfort.

warm, cuddly, snuggly, cozy leisure.

a coat made of live puppies?! no. even better.

TRY A SLANKET (a blanket with sleeves)! actually you can’t for now. they’re currently out of stock of every single size and color. but get one on backorder, and back that warm fuzzy right up.

slanket gallery:

warm

warmer

hawt-sauce

even bester would be if they made one slanket with multiple sleeves of different sizes, and it could be the family/more-than-friends? slanket. question mark included.

in conclusion, this item holds the slankeys to my melty heart.

feeling regressive? like a gurgling fetus even? need a helping hand, or two?

TRY GIANT FURRY HANDS by ZAKY. seriously. i dare you. best investment you never made!

check

me

out!

it would be great if they started making celebrity hands too. like the hulk hogan hands would be tough but firm. or the angelina jolie hands would be what every orphan wants. the britney spears hands would be surprisingly worn for their age. the lindsay lohan hands would have long fingernails. the michael vick hands would have bitemarks on them. the oj simpson hands would have no fingerprints.

am i done yet? yes.

i want both of these products 5 minutes ago!

in case yer still not impressed, here are the real big funguns in my arsenal courtesy of everyone’s favorite plural clothing company, Pantalaine.

the ALL-4-ONE LEFTY

and

the HUG JACKET

or

the ELBOW-RUBBING SWEATER!

you’re welcome.