it’s high time for the updating game! update-my-mom! who wants to upmarry-my-dad?
no you can’t. that was a joke.
speaking of my mother, she’s been getting increasingly cheeky these days. yesterday morning she ran into my room squealing “lookit my belt! lookit my belt!” and i’ll be honest. it was an impressive belt. it was very wide and black with an ornate gold buckle. a real statement-maker. so i rounded my eyes appropriately and cooed & oohed, and then she giggled like a schoolgirl and ran away! i tell ya! i barely had half an eye open.
emphasis on schoolgirl though. she’s taking a conversational spanish class, and whenever my mom returns to academia, she gets really giddy. that gene skipped a generación.
meanwhile, my cellphone is living in the past! the date and time on it are for last friday afternoon. i’m trying to remember what happened then in case it’s trying to tell me something memento-style. but no, i think it’s just a sentimental headcase. actually, i lost it for a few moons so maybe it’s just being nostalgic for the good old days before i became a neglectful parent. I GET THE POINT, MOTOROLLYBABY. i’ll upload a nice bubble bath ringtone later. howzatsound?
anyway. i didn’t come here to talk about my problems. i have stories. i went to a diner the other night WITH CHAMPAGNE ON THE MENU. 24-hours of champagne! breakfast all day, but also mimosas. i had my first mimosa this past weekend so i’m trying to tie everything together like an amateur. when is it not appropriate to have champagne?
i’ll take my bubbly blurry, please. champagne goggles?
afternoon snack? yer pushing it, but must be a good day/the worst day ever! i’ll toast to either.
in funclusion, nadia and i trolled the suburbs this past weekend for vintage clothing. ok mainly one thrift store. we had to go way far out, past neighborhoods where nadia commented “these are the ‘mom jeans’ of houses.” [brilliant] and finally we got there. it was impressive. like a strip mall oasis with a bargain king lording over it!
what a name. nothing screams counterculture more.
but the insides were just as fantastic as the outsides. not only was everything organized impeccably like a retail flea sale, but the knick knacks section alone was something to detail in a photo essay.
so without further ado, in the name of speaking literally rather than metaphorically…
TOP 3 “UNIQUE” KNICK KNACKS FROM THE SUBURBAN THRIFT STORE!!!
free drug-endorsed coaster storage unit
Because for a small fee, my overly useful free stuff can be your “free” stuff! Who doesn’t endorse allergy medication?! Once your coaster’s job is done, the fun has just begun. Stack it, pack it, admire it. For maximal gains, use with drug-endorsed coasters (preferably not a Claritin competitor. Allegra, I’m looking at you. Ahhh Allegra? More like Ahh-chooo! ZING ZONG!)
sturdy jar of assorted sugars and grains
Because you don’t want the apocalypse to catch you unprepared! Sweeten up your locust-ridden crop with this handy quick-fix. Also goes great between an olive jar and a pickle jar to prevent inbreeding. I’m pretty sure this gem was someone’s science fair project.
and fer the grand finale-
statuette of our nation’s finest protecting hapless little girlboy
Because when you see this, your first thought is ‘You. My Mantel. Now.’ I want to see the face of the (wo)man who made this avant-garde collectible. Also keeps away bullies/pedophiles/friends/neighbors/family/everyone.