Senseless Nonviolence

people, you have no idea of the uproar in the office today! everyone is feeling quite angry. tumultuous like a cranky crowd waving torches and storming the drawbridge of the cubical castle with their grievances. but this is (re)pressed-collars-with-jeans-culture [i.e., biz-casz] so save the riots for tense AllStaff emails and awkward grumbles.

lemme ‘splain you what heppened.

they installed special energy-efficient light motion sensors in all of our offices overnight. very effective in terms of:

  • saving the world
  • implementing world-saving in a prompt, thorough, and uninvasive fashion
  • the end of all light switches – beastly and time-consuming devices

here’s where it gets mussy. when you walk into your office, the lights pop on! magic. a real minimalist wonderland. no clap-on/clap-off hootenanny. just plain “oh, you’re here? let there be light! TA-DAH!” a simple electrical jazzhands flourish. and we’re done, right?

(once more for nonchalant amusement) right?

(like you mean business) Right?

(in a desperate whisper) right?


then you’re sitting in your office clickety-clacking away industrial-revolutionary style, and BOOM. total eclipse of the room. darkness descends.

what is going on? Cloverfield? help! help us! HALPPPPPPPP. can i call my family? YALLLLP.

idea! PANIC.
photo courtesy of Flickr and PPDIGITAL

i get up to prepare for the worst. SNAP-click-cluck. LIGHTS-candid camera-action!

so the problem is, apparently, when you are sitting VERY STILL and working (?), ecofriendly lightbulbs decide you don’t exist anymore. apparently i work like a statue, stonefaced and cold to the touch. so the lights go out – snip, snap, yer done.

everyone is yapping about the state of things. the bread line at lunch was longer than usual. the very idea that you need to stand up, scratch your head, or do a little dance (the electric slide, naturally) to get the power going is more than any of us can bear to withstand.

it’s Dark Week here at the office.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Hamed Saber

but hey. my carbon footprint is smaller than yours, i think to myself, grinning and winning like a fool in the dark.

confession: i just did a one-person human wave in my office to restore the indoor sunshine.

3 thoughts on “Senseless Nonviolence

  1. Steven says:

    What kind of work do you do that you are perfectly still for extended periods of time? I never realized that watching paint dry was a career path’s a tip: buy one of those office chachkies like those metal balls that constantly knock into each other, or the little dolphin that jumps in a circle through a hoop. i’m sure there’s a ton of other things that make constant motion.

  2. Aparna says:

    hillary – luffinpuffalumps.steven – i am an informal office still life model. props for use of the word chach·ka or tchotch·ke. another thing that makes constant motion is my fingers. it don’t matter. the light sensors acknowledge rave party-type activity only.

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