Honesty Ain’t No Crime!

For reasons I shall not disclose for the sake of Victorian-era modesty and propriety***, I have to call the police department (not for any emergency purpose, merely for a few FAQs).

***Not really, but by gum, how many articles come out per day about being discreet on the Internet? It’s RhetoRick-ally More-Than-Is worth counting. It might surprise you to know that that pun was most painful for me.

I have the number right here. Right here it sits.

Now I just have to pick up the phone and push its buttons until it rings in vengeful fury.

I don’t know when my fear of cops started. I shouldn’t be afraid of cops.

I’ve seen Reno 911, Super Troopers, Superbad (well, half of it), and Police Academy, but I’m still decidedly nervous in the leering face of the law.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Paul Keller

What has a cop ever done to me?!

Oh, wait. I have a list.

My List of (Tom) Petty (and the) Heartbreakin’ Grievances

(Again, that there pun just hurt me more than y’all. I will go home and think about it later. Definitely in a corner, facing a wall.)

Exhibit A: The Phantom Menace Tollbooth Incident
Tollbooth Cop who, when I asked him to please retrieve my badly thrown quarter, snidely replied “I don’t bend down in front of cars.” I mean, clearly he wins. But hey, my b, lawficer!

Exhibit B: The Indians Locked Out of the Cupboard Incident
Brooklyn Cops who came to check on my sister and I’s shady “locksmiths” we called to help us get into her domicile circa 2 a.m. It’s bad when the rescuers are more terrifying than the alleged “suspects”. They just sort of “hung around” near us to make sure “nothing” “happened”. Admittedly, this memory might be tainted by the touches of time.

Exhibit C: The Breaking the Will of Suburbia One White Fence at a Time Incident
Good Cop/Bad Cop who came to my parents’ house at 3am because our burglar alarm went off. Is there really a need for the ole interrogation routine for false alarms?

Exhibit D: The Now I’m Even More Sober (If That’s Possible) Incident
Cop who pulled me over for “drunk” driving, which was nothing but in fact me driving slowly (with nary a swerve) and confusedly because I was receiving navigational cues from a tipsy friend. Anyway, homeboy made me say the alphabet backwards, and I set a new personal record time! Then I ran/powerwalked the line he asked me to walk. And he didn’t even help with directions in the end. Camman! And also, O rly?!


I shouldn’t be scared though. Me personally, I mean. I know lots of secondhand horror stories about the people v. the po-po (don’t tase me, bro-bro comes to mind). It’s interesting though. I read this article once about how cops feel more alienated from society than society feels alienated from cops. And for some reason, this one example from the article stuck with me about how cops feel especially awkward at the neighborhood barbeque. So much so that most cops usually choose to only go to social events with other cops and their families instead. I’m sure those are a real hoot!

Ah, and life continues to crumble with misunderstanding…

Just kidding. The cop in question (whom I must ring imminently) was supremely nice when I last spoke to him. This whole post was just, how you say, a tangent. Also a method of wasting precious time!

Oh, but have you seen the cops on horses?! They’re really something else. Jury’s still out on how I feel about them.

Still not sure what to do in the face of a team like this one. Find apples and sugar cubes? For the cops, I mean!
photo courtesy of Flickr and fergie_lancealot

6 thoughts on “Honesty Ain’t No Crime!

  1. indian2006 says:

    I immediately did the alphabet backwards after reading this post. btw, love your blog. I am a fan:) Very unfortunately, I have never caught your act/show. I was very very close once. I came in and you had just finished your show. (I am a friend of your sister’s). But whatever, point is…love your blog!

  2. Aparna says:

    thanks!!! what a nice compliment, on a wednesday no less!!i will come visit your blog in the meantime. i totally remember who you are!

  3. I Am Dali says:

    “Oh, but have you seen the cops on horses?! They’re really something else. Jury’s still out on how I feel about them.”Mounted officers are cowards. The horses are held hostage as living shields.They’re forced into miserable miserable lives. They’re locked into tiny trailers for hours at a time. Yes, horses, the animal most clearly intended by god to prance majestically through boundless meadows.

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