I love it.
The prophecy is true! All these years that I’ve been plugging away with my more delicate emotions, all my angst blackouts and weep marathons, have not gone unnoticed.
Here is the breakdown (from The Baby Website report) of why women cry at different times in their lives:
TOP 5 UPSETS, AGE 0-1
3. Only form of communication
4. Discomfort due to wet/full nappy
5. Feeling ill
TOP 5 UPSETS, AGE 1-3
1. Hurting themselves
3. Falling over
4. Wanting something
5. Being told off for being naughty
TOP 5 UPSETS, AGE 4-12
1. Being told off for being naughty
2. Hurting themselves
4. Feeling ill
5. Falling out with a friend
TOP 5 UPSETS, AGE 13-18
2. Arguing with friends
3. Being dumped
4. Being grounded
5. People being horrible
TOP 5 UPSETS, 19-25
1. A soppy film
2. Being dumped
3. Losing a loved one
4. Indecision about a long-term relationship
5. Having a baby
TOP 5 UPSETS, 26+
1. A soppy film
2. Falling out with a partner
3. Losing a loved one
4. Feeling tired
5. Hearing someone else’s bad news
A Couple Notes:
I like how everyone 26 and older is lumped together. But fine, maybe those were the parameters of the study. Menopausing for thought, “feeling tired” as a reason is a daydream come true! As I am a lifelong fatigued anemic, I can relate. It’s a callback straight from the womb, yo. Meanwhile, I think “falling over” should go back on the list after a certain advanced age. Mama Naturale loves bringing things full circle.
As for “hearing someone else’s bad news,” I could write an entire blog just expressing sympathy based on terrible things that have happened to people that I read on the Internet or heard from other people. Sometimes I don’t have any of my own emotions left over, which is nice because I can just stare at a wall and drool at the end of the day, which is very manageable.
Um ALSO. Did anyone notice “having a baby” is one of the reasons listed under 19-25?! Someone needs to clean & clarify that one a little. Why exactly are these women crying, and are they crying once because they didn’t want a baby or several times because the baby is giving them some tough love by going non-stop, what with the pooping-sleeping-nursing cycles? Let’s move on.
My favorite one is age 13-18: “people being horrible.” That one is timeless. I’m pretty sure Lady Spirit Goddess Legends Oprah or Delilah would back a sister up on that one as they have built entire careers off of counseling people who were victims of people being horrible.
I might still cry when I’m hungry. And I definitely might still cry because it’s my only form of communication. I’m kidding. Guys? Wait, come back.
The point is, I am a huge crybaby. I just needed some hard facts to validate my biology.
As for the state of my biological alarm clock (I thought I hit snooze but I guess not), last night I dreamed I was pregnant, but it was extremely mundane.
(Read ahead if you want a breakdown, but I don’t harbor any illusions that my dreams are interesting to any of YOU PEOPLE as most dreams are the absolute superlative epitome of “you had to be there.”)
Finding out I was pregnant was a non-event in my dream because:
A) My subconscious used symptoms from real life including mild food poisoning and dehydration to justify it (LAZY)
B) I could take the fetus out whenever I wanted and look at it even though it wasn’t technically “human-looking” yet
C) Nobody, including myself, seemed overtly concerned either positively or negatively about the circumstances.
If my body is trying to tell me something, it’s doing it fairly passive-aggressively. Mother Nature invented that technique, believe it or not. Traditional gender roles, am I right, LADIES?!?!