(American) Girl, Puh-leeze!

So guess what!?!!?!?!!?!? (I use gratuitous punctuation to conjure false hope.)

My subscription to the American Girl catalog got renewed without my even asking!

Most of these dolls are way cooler and easily more affluent than I am.
photo courtesy of Flickr and terren in Virginia

You guys don’t understand. I haven’t gotten this catalog in more than a decade. The universe just decided it was time again. I never canceled it either. I just hit a certain age and it stopped coming. But now it’s back and better than ever.

Except. Here is my fear. Can I vocalize my fear here? Is this a safe space? Of course it is. That’s the only reason I have a blog. So I can bounce my nightmares and terror spells off cyber-walls and pinch myself to feel pain-alive instead of just regular blah-alive.

My fear is that the universe decided I have reached an age where it would be obscene that I don’t have some kind of progeny to share the American Girl series with. Not only is American Girl taking some real liberties in assuming my life choices, but they also seem to think, boy or girl or monkey or hallucination, there is no way my baby doesn’t want American Girl in its life.

Whoa, American Girl, remember boundaries? Even Felicity way back in colonial times knew about those.

For some reason, this photo reminds me of Gattaca.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Yusuf C

Not to mention your new ethnic additions. Is that why I’m back on the subscriber list? Because you suddenly have a doll that me and mine can look at and not go, ooh well, better luck next time! I suppose Native American Kaya oughta keep my trap snapped, huh?!

Is that it?!

Well, no matter, no matter. I will carelessly browse through you in the orthodontist’s office later. And if my eye happens to fall on a delightful accessory, I might circle it. But don’t you dare to dream that I will be purchasing anything! Just like Kirsten the frontierswoman, I prefer to make my own fun.

And my baby will too, whenever that entity chooses to appear. And in whatever form he/she/it chooses to take (i.e., human, clay, yarn, figment of imagination, sheet music, magnet poetry.)

Because that’s the way us girls of grit and spirit and sass and free love (?!?!) were made. Wake me up when the Aparna doll comes out. You know, the one from the future wearing all silver microwave-safe material.

Hello, dolly nightmares!
photo courtesy of Flickr and Jeff Sandquist

P.S. UPDATE! Well, well, well. Sonali, huh?! Denim knickers? Ballet-flat shoes with a knotted accent? Soft and huggable? Alright, I’m listening…

Ok, a customer review about her has dissuaded me from the purchase, and I quote, “Sonali is so pretty! Her hair shines. And yes, her body is orange. It’s not neon, but not faded orange. Her tunic is good quality. I do not suggest using bathing suits on her, or colonial dresses.

Case closed!!! Catalog still open (for curiosity’s sake).

3 thoughts on “(American) Girl, Puh-leeze!

  1. Tiffany says:

    You know, when *I* was American Girl-aged, there were only three girls. And if you wanted to dress up like the little Swedish one you had to put lit candles on your head. Now get offa my lawn.

  2. Aparna says:

    Hahah, well-played, Tiffster.

    Speaking of the original holy three, they totally discontinued the Samanther* (“Who's the Boss?” pronunciation) doll. What did she ever do (besides be my favorite because she was so dainty)?!

    *http://www.americangirl.com/fun/agcn/samantha/

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