Snot Funny

Today everything tastes like mucus.

Sneezing is another physical expulsion to be feared. I don’t want to know what happens when you sneeze with your mouth shut, but so far, I’ve taken extreme measures to prevent such a tragedy from occurring, including touching my nose and patting the top of my head. My body’s made up for it by yawning approximately several times an hour, and believe you me, nobody is pleased especially some sutures I know.

I’ve discovered that with my mouth all rammajammed together, my other senses have stepped up to the challenge. My nose particularly is impressing me by finding odors I never knew existed. This is what a dog must feel like because everything seems to emanate some kind of a scent and few of them are pleasing in the delicate sense. In fact, I’m finding much of the world downright musky.

I also had an orthodontist appointment this morning. My orthodontist delights me to no end because he has what I can only divine to be a grandfatherly Savannah accent, or if not, a very refined southern Virginian accent which lends poise to any activity he chooses to pursue, including vacuuming excess saliva out of my face. I can’t help but always imagine him giving his final statement to an overheated jury in a sweaty summer courtroom about the purported innocence of my teeth. “Your honuh, I do declare these pearly whites are nawt killuhs!”

His entire office has a maritime theme too due to his affinity for water pastimes so, if I’m lucky, he wears pants with small ducks or boats. His charms are palpable.

After that, Daddums and I went to Avatar 3D at the mall after which he bought me a pony. No, a milkshake, but still! I got pretty overemotional during the movie. Everything on the grand scale of things seems so horrific recently. Luckily, I was wearing dark glasses.

Artsy shot at the cinemer.

I actually have some social invitations this weekend. I know! The one weekend! With my mouf all gummied up and pain meds kicking through my system!

Still. I thought I’d make a pros & cons list of what I could bring to a party in my current state.


Won’t be a chatty Kathy. I actually never am, but this time, I am physically restraining myself to make good on it.


Can barely be understood in a noise-free environment.


Won’t drink myself into anything but a sober stupor.


Can’t eat delicious crunchy bar snacks known as nachos. This is actually one of my main motives for ever going out. The possibility of nachos at some point.


Won’t be sitting at home filing petty grievances against my past.


Will be writing people up for grievances they didn’t know they committed in public! Oh, intraversion. You are the personality trait of overinflated (ahem, misunderstood) brilliance.

Jury’s still out! About going out. My teef were proven innocent as was the chin accomplice! Underbite over and out.

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