WiFi Fo Fum

Haven’t blogged in a minute, well, more than a minute, but it’s an expression. Get on board! Or, get on bored, and enjoy your slow-paced life. I’m not even kidding. I’ve been busy. So that’s me.

Just kissing, I have more to say. I meant to say kidding, but it came out kissing. Freudian nip slip, as they say in the biz! The shrink biz, I mean, whose main sponsor is showbiz.

Anyway, let’s move on, shall we? Or we shall see.

I’m in an Internet Cafe, and I’m doing it wrong. First of all, NO FREE WIFI. If you get nothing else from this post, get that. NO FREE WIFI. What is this, fascism?! I’m in Somerville, near Cambridge, near Boston. The hubbub of intellectual and social commerce is happening all around me, and I am being charged for looking at seductive kitten pics. I’m surprised there isn’t a bread line next to the coffee counter. SHEEEEEEEEEEESH. But maybe they’re only charging me because I’ve been doing a bad job since I got here.

First of all, I took too long to order. I KNEW what I wanted, don’t even think for a second I was one of those deciders who decides after they are asked what they want rather than before. I knew what I wanted, I just made an obscene number of pauses when ordering as if I was in some kind of a soap operatic infomercial.

Then the nice lady gave me an overflowing coffee cup. Now I’m all for getting your money’s worth, but it poured all over the counter. And do I really get to enjoy the java lake that’s dripping onto the floor? Rhet-horri-cal. Not so sure that part is going be part of my caffeine scrapbook. Except maybe under the “Character-Building” section.

After all that, I had to find a place to sit down. BUT not just any place. A place with an outlet. For my emotional baggage and to power my computer. DOUBLE OUTLET ALL THE WAY. I walked all the way to the back of this restaurant because it had one of those false middles where you think you’re done but then there’s more junk in the trunk. And I happened across a world of math majors discussing ideas, a family playing competitive backgammon, and even one table up some stairs in a dark, unlit corner where I guess the hunchback is allowed to study/log on for a tick. It was like a parody of those cafes during the French Revolution where plans were laid out for better access to croissants by the people.

Found a table, found an outlet, scuffled quite a bit in getting out all my things disturbing the user next to me. We’re all just users, so that seems what is most appropriate to call him. So I upset him with my scurlyburlyness. Then when I plugged in my laptop, I hit my head on the table coming up and had a flashback to before I hit my head. So that was embarrassing. Wish someone could have made a GIF of it, at the very least.

Finally I find the Wifi network, get ready to surf, starting eating a real scramble of a wrap, and proceeded to make a mess with that because wraps are always built with poor infrastructure and there’s more on the inside than can be sustained within the tortilla basing.

Anyway, I’m on the web now but it asked for my credit card number and I’m pretty sure every student here got it down because I had to enter it so WICKED (local slang) SLOWLY.

GOTTA GO! A BUSINESSMAN WEARING A SAILOR HAT IS SITTING NEARBY. Literally anything could happen from this point forward. PLUS I AM BEING CHARGED BY THE SECOND for being cool and using WiFi.

P. to the Sssst. I forgot to drink my coffee over a reasonable period of time and now I have to chug 16 oz. of espresso and then inflict my hyperactive presence on a bunch of well-meaning audience members. TOOTLES!

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