Little Shop of Distracting Horrors

I am sitting in a bookstore/coffee shop doing some “work.” I put work in quotes because I am blogging right now. And possibly later.

The woman in closest proximity to me in the coffee shop is eating a giant carrot. Not like a baby carrot, but one of those industrial ones they only sell to horse dealers. She’s just biting off nibbles of it, trying to approach it as best she can. I’m guessing she didn’t buy it here? Regardless, what a snack! I’m giving her press because she deserves it. I hope “eating a giant carrot with reasonable pacing” was on her to-do list today. I’m putting that very same task on my bucket list.

The family across from me is having a red sweatshirt powwow. I say this because all four of them are wearing red collegiate sweatshirts. I want to imagine they are just complimenting each other on their sweatshirts.

“May I mention how wonderful your Stanford hoodie looks this afternoon?”

“Only if I can return the favor!”

Two of these family members are four-year-old boys, and I doubt they know what Stanford is. But I guess it’s the thread that counts. Also they all have coffee drinks, because why not? This family is already over the top.

Speaking of sophisticated four-year-olds, there was a four-year-old girl in here earlier organizing her wallet. That’s right, her wallet. It had actual big bills in it ($20!!). I don’t think I saw my first $20 bill until I was ready, that is to say, five years old. She then daintily put her wallet back into her chic shoulder purse, and went to go get her dad who was playing in the kids toy section. No, he wasn’t, but he may as well have been! He was on his iPhone, most likely texting himself a reminder to look into how his kid grew up so fast.

Some hot teenager couple is in here now, doubling their attractiveness by circumnavigating each other’s celestial bodies, angsting out. OH no, I think they’re having a “talk” about their “relationship.”

“Listen, you realize we’re both super good-looking, and people enjoy that we’re together like a TV couple?”

“I know, I know. But what if we want to see other good-looking people?”

“How dare you! Don’t distress my genes; they’re already perfect as is.”

In conclusion, I am not getting any work done, nor have I ever, at this rate.

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