Airport Satellite Delay

Web Father, it’s been 750 hours* since my last blogfession. (*according to flavor scientists)

I’m at the airport. I’d have really enjoyed the ’80s comedy boom because I can’t stop thinking and talking about the airport and airplanes, coincidentally most especially when I’m in one or on one. 

You can tell a lot about an airport based on whether there’s free wifi or not. For example, here at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport (pardon the namedrop), there is free wifi, you just have to click the “Agree to Terms of Service” button and you’re good to go with two and half bars of dial up speed. With my luck, if I actually read the fine print on the service terms, I probably agreed to give them half of my complimentary beverage on my next flight.

Pardon the interruption, but there is a kid staring into space who is really taxing my social anxiety right now. Don’t people who stare into space realize that there is a no-eye zone around my general vicinity? I don’t see a point or purpose to your roaming peepers, and frankly, it’s creeping me out major big time.

OK. The kid left, Angry Birds backpack and all. I am safe again. FOR NOW. (This is called a bait-and-bait in adventure travel writing, where I use cliffhanger language and then the big twist is…there’s no pay off!!!)

I guess that kid wasn’t so bad. We were both charging our mobile devices from the same outlet, so we had a workable peace, but it was time for a regime change. Also, while we were charging (I still am), which is a pretty vulnerable state, this goateed guy walked up to us and asked if the airport provided us with the chargers or if they were ours. This question was so ridiculous, I wanted to bop him once for asking it and once for formulating it. But instead, I said “Um, ours” and then acted like he wasn’t a monster. Which was true charity on my part. I mean I guess maybe some airports do that, but my flight is delayed an hour, I abandoned my humanity an hour ago.

Full disclosure: I also had my own row on my first flight though so my head is still deswelling from that.

true power 
I mainly hope my son is OK

OMG breaking! The guy who asked the weird question came back all empowered with a charger, and declared with a Shakespearan lilt “I’m going to plug in here-uh!” As if I had anything to do with it. I should propose a duel. Do you propose a duel or a toast? Oh never mind. When your flight is delayed an hour, they’re the same thing.

You guys, there are some seriously pissed families at this airport right now. Some of them have been trying to get home for minutes now. Check out the body language on this bunch.


That leopard arm is the mom, not a wildcat 

fed up tween alert!

I am reading an article about an Olympic runner’s secret life as a call girl so things are really cooking over here.

OMG BREAKING BROKEN! Goatee guy just walked away and left his charging phone at my mercy. Whaddoido. Leave it be?! That’s so predictable. That would never sell as a web series.

In conclusion, saw this dude earlier. He’s the worst.

b real 4 once plz

OK MORE LATER BY WHICH I MEAN I HAVE TO GO HARVEST NECK PILLOWS BYE

p.s. everyone at the gate just applauded because we’re taking off soon? i hate travel solidarity. a baby also just started scream crying so pray for me

Hooray! LA Weekly’s Comedy Acts to Watch 2013

Hey hey, big ups and thanks to LA Weekly for putting me on a WATCH LIST!

5. Aparna Nancherla
Though the Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell writer/player boasts a formidable improv and sketch background, her discursive narratives are best appreciated when she’s squirming beneath the stand-up spotlight. Her onstage demeanor may suggest anxious naïveté, but her propensity for bone-dry cynicism — not to mention breaking the fourth wall to lob asides about the axioms of comedic performance itself — is what’s recently been landing her at festival after festival. Follow her on Twitter at @Aparnapkin, where she dispatches such droll gems as “In LA auditioning for a parking spot,” “just peed, or as they call it in the biz, networked with the toilet” and “emotion pitch: deprassed (sassy depressed).”

RECENT LIFE ACHIEVEMENT

I got to VOICE AN EDUCATIONAL PUPPET on Totally Biased (back on Jan. 17 on FX, Thursdays at 11 p.m.) the other night: CHECKMATE!!! BUCKET LIST VANQUISHED!!! (Deft expert HANDling done by comedic muse Janine Brito) Here he is, your anthropomorphic economic concept, ladies and gentleman…FISCAL CLIFF!!!