Party Logic

Hey! We just had an banana split ice cream party at work!

I think I figured out a way to balance out the ice cream.


Before you start writing complaint letters, I was gifted these nanners by an important work official (title redacted to protect the kindness of others’ hearts). Sometimes jaw surgery gets you things. So step off!

P.S. To be fair, when I tried to serve myself some caramel syrup, it burped into my hair so something good was bound to happen after that sugar ambush.

Further Confirming My Superhumanity

I ate my morning banana with cream cheese today. Now I’m going to go sit in a corner and think about what I’ve done. To be fair, the cream cheese had walnuts in it. Ok fine, I’m going.

Oh wait, did I mention I’m a coffee psychic? I can tell if a cuppa joe is going to be tasty or wastey before I even have a sip of the voodoo brew. In the end I still drink it either way so it’s basically a completely useless superpower. However, if a bank were being robbed somewhere in Surreal City, well, let’s just say, I’d definitely be fully perked up and at the ready to call 9-1-1 on my veggie burger phone.

This picture is originally titled “Late for Work/Tarde p’al Trabajo”―fantastic.
photo courtesy of Flickr and Eneas
Original photo here.

Hey, so I found out yesterday, people actually read this thing!

Speaking of reading things (see what I did there?), new NBC blob is up. That’s right, blob. Read it and sleep.

Caution: This month, the spacing is absent and there is a redundant phrase contained therein (i.e., “four quadrants”). You have been accordingly warned.

So Not Cute

day 5 (this was written by candlelight, think blair-witch style):

the whole house smells like bananas. i dream of bananas. bananas are now my coworkers at work. bananas are what i put on my feet. bananas are what i pray to before i go to bed. eating them should feel self-congratulatory but instead it feels like giving in to the oppressor.

they’re browning so quickly…it’s like an outbreak of the plague. they might be all blackened char-casses (new word) by tonight. i shudder to think.

i’ve been doing extensive experiments to attempt to slow down the aging process for these guys. so far, i’ve come up with one failproof conclusion. putting hats and drawing faces on bananas does nothing to slow down their ripening, but it makes for a great photo shoot. pictures forthcoming…

also. bonus research portion. you know the expression “cute as a kewpie doll”? i realized i don’t know what a kewpie doll looks like. so i took some liberties with the internet. civil liberties, i mean. here were the ever-so-disturbing results:

horrifying

terrifying

crime against humanity

lastly, i can’t stop being late to stuff. i had to drop off a key yesterday at 2:45pm. i wake up at 3:30pm (yeah, it’s this thing i do, oversleeping) and then i’m in the middle of one of those scenes where you’re running out the door with one shoe on and your hair in your face and your conscience screaming in your ear. and no one is going to care what your excuse is because you smell like failure. i’ve got to reconfigure my body so i stop sleeping through important deadlines and responsibilities. i don’t think the world cares that i’m a heavy sleeper with narcoleptic tendencies. and if i can work geriatric bananas into the solution, i’m golden.

Fruit of the Loon

my absolute favorite thing (if i have to pick just one, lol) about having my braces tightened is stuffing as much food in my face as possible before the painkillers wear off!

that was an unrelated intro to storytime. now it’s storytime. put on your reading helmets.

so my parents are in greece for 2 weeks. i dropped them off there on wednesday after work. yes, directly in greece. rush hour was light so it wasn’t a big deal. but an interesting development came to light after their departure. the fact is i’m in a big scary house by myself for 2 weeks. as if that weren’t enough, well…how do i put this? my parents left me a cryptic test to complete in their absence. or at least that’s the most i can figure out about it.

listen. here’s the thing. i’m operating on very little sleep right now (for me, i mean, you might snort in disgust if you heard my stats) so my hold on logic is questionable but i’m still making an attempt so please bear with me.

ok so i’m in charge of the house while the folksies are gone so that includes picking up the mail and newspaper everyday, taking out the trash and recycling once a week, and eating any and all perishable food in a timely manner.

but wait, let’s zoom in on that last one. eating any and all perishable food in a timely manner. my parents left me some curries to eat, some vegetables and a swarthy stock of bananas.

but wait.

again.

let’s zoom in on that last one. there are an obscene number of bananas in my house right now. i found a giant cluster that i found a bit threatening. but i negotiated that a diligent diet of 3 nanners a day would nip the surplus in the bud. that was before i discovered another hearty bunch of yellow bandits resting on the other side of the kitchen. what?! at this point, i considered filing a complaint. but with who? and how?

the worst part is all kazillion jillion of them are a deep yellow with the first signs of freckles, which in the banana world is a signal for “primetime.” so i think this is some kind of test, basically. i still live with my parents. and they want to know what kind of person i am. how do i handle a house full of bananas? with grace and poise? or with frustration and shame?

banana bread is an easy way out. stew? maybe. this is a true test of will and resourcefulness. may the best soulsearcher win.

one last ironic curveball. one of the bananas is a completely straight line. it’s like, “thanks, i was completely confused already. now i’m just upset.”

proof:

normal banana on right, deviant on left