Vanity Hair

February 10, 2009January 8, 20183 Comments

I realize even if I have no words of value to add as of recent, I shouldn’t just announce I’m getting a haircut and then leave people wondering what it looks like.

So these pictures are more out of generosity than any sense of ego or pride. Don’t misconstrue my intentions.

Also, I already did notice that my face is long, my nose is big, my skin is brown, and I have a lazy eyelid, so all diligent anonymous and pseudonymous Internet commenters can take a day off from their endless labor. Camman, you guys deserve it! Preaching the truth and telling it like it is all the time can get wearing on even the most tireless work ethic.

Cheerio, pip pop!

The What About Bob?

Post(shower)mortem

As for the cut itself, it was conducted under mild to moderate duress. I showed up 20 minutes late for my appointment wild-eyed and bearing a web photo of Mandy Moore on the red carpet. My stylist still generously agreed to keep me on his list of duties. He had to juggle me with two other clients, and to top it all off, my shampoo girl accidentally hit the shower jet with her elbow, which sent a cascade of water flying across the entire salon, the ensuing puddle from which another stylist almost wiped out in. Despite all the ballyhoo, a job well shorn!

Noodle Bowl Cut

February 5, 2009January 8, 2018Leave a comment

To expand on a Twitter (which might defeat the purpose, but I don’t care),

I consider noodle bowls a form of cooking.

You have to cut open all the ingredients using some kind of sharp object…including a small seasoning packet of “vegetables.” And don’t forget the spices and sauces!

(This is the cooking part so pay moderately close attention.)

Unite them in holy matrimony.

Then nuke ’em into even holier fusion.

Then burn your hands off when you try and procure the plastic demon bowl from the microwave.

Anyway, the end result is a sodium-enriched, vegetable-shard-sprinkled, quasi-authentic-tasting culinary masterpiece.

Also, you will not regain feeling in your fingers until a few hours later.

Yeah, just like this but I simply imagined the complicated parts!
photo courtesy of Flickr and jslander

In Even Less Relevant News:

I am getting a hair cut tomorrow hence the blog title. I consider hair appointments like parties. You just don’t know who’s gonna be there or what you’ll end up saying or who you end up going home with! LADIESSSSSSSSSSSZ!!! Am I right?!?

The Onion continues dominating!

Garden Statements

August 6, 2008January 8, 20184 Comments

Oh! I wrote this month’s NBC blog about Alice. I keep thinking about her, and it felt right.

***

Why did no one tell me about Nick Drake earlier?! And I have to go and learn these things from books. Just kidding; there’s no better way to find out about cool things than through books that are made of fiction, based in reality. You feel like you’ve been let in on a best-kept secret. Most fitting that I learn about Nick Drake through Nick Hornby.

(speaking of Nicks, Nick Turner called me a pixie yesterday)

Listen to the Drake here. Zach Braff went googly-eyed for this guy. What’s stopping the rest of us? Besides Zach Braff forcing his tastes on us, I mean.

Enough pop references! The new haircut. Well; it has returned to its natural, free, curly, unkempt state. My head looks like some kind of microcosm of chaos, but hey, I’m not apologizing. What you see is what you get!

I am still obsessed with the psychology behind mass emails and the reply-all function. Especially when those mass emails concern comedians. It immediately turns into a WHO DA FUNNIEST competition, arbitrated by no one because no one cares, and yet the ones duking it out with slams and counter-retorts care far beyond what is appropriate for a weekday afternoon.

I’ll give you a completely random example!

Sender: FooBear
Recipients: ChooBear, RooBear, GooBear, BlooBear, GlooBear
Subject: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: Well?

1 minute later…

Sender: ChooBear
Recipients: FooBear, RooBear, GooBear, BlooBear, GlooBear
Subject: RE: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: I’m wearin’ em!

30 second later…

Sender: RooBear
Recipients: ChooBear, FooBear, GooBear, BlooBear, GlooBear
Subject: RE: RE: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: I put one over the doorknob. You know what that means…

2 minutes later…

Sender: BlooBear
Recipients: ChooBear, RooBear, GooBear, FooBear, GlooBear
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: I love socks. You could say I have a sock-shual feetish. However, that’s just my two innocence.

1 minute later…

Sender: RooBear
Recipients: ChooBear, FooBear, GooBear, BlooBear, GlooBear
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: You guys! I meant, I have a girlfriend now, and I am getting sweet action!

30 seconds later…

Sender: GlooBear
Recipients: ChooBear, RooBear, GooBear, BlooBear, FooBear
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: UNSUBSCRIBE.

1 minute later…

Sender: ChooBear
Recipients: FooBear, RooBear, GooBear, BlooBear, GlooBear
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Has anyone seen my socks?
Body: I think you just got your answer, FooBear. Gloobear is clearly guilty. BURN, SON!!!!!!!!!!

If you find my example tragic and telling, you should see my inbox.

Speaking of tragic and telling, there was this womanface at this comedy show last night who proceeded to make a face and a snide comment indicating how she felt after every single one of everybody’s jokes last night. I’ll give you a hint. Most of the comments and faces were negative.

I don’t even understand what this person would be like in real life. Oh wait, still annoying. Guess that answers that life mystery. (I’m such a jerk! HeeHoo!)

This Post Was Written With an Epi-Pen!!! THAT’S HOW EXCITED I WAS WHEN I WROTE IT!!!!!!!

August 4, 20085 Comments

So I got another haircut. It seems like I mostly get haircuts in life. Which is probably true. I consider getting your hair cut a hobby just like crafting. I went in for the last-minute Sunday appointment, which is always just a huge rush.

To make things more adrenaliney, my stylist was so excited the whole time; a fact that was probably compounded by the fact that she kept popping Jolly Ranchers. Don’t worry, she offered me some. But I prefer a line of Pixie Stix myself or a dab of hot brown water to the temples. Anyway, she wanted me to be her guinea pig because she had only done trims and blow-dries all day, and we all know how that goes! So she showed me this style she wanted to try on me, and honestly, I was scared. But I grimaced bravely and nodded assent. I was putting the fate of my follicles into this woman’s scissorhands!

She kept squealing the whole time, and she even took before-and-after pictures, she was so pumped. She finished with a big ole huggaroo. It ended up being a 2.5 hour haircut that she walked me through in stages (like a cooking show)!

And the most comforting part is, I love it (granted, it’s still in salon condition)!
(My stylist also made me blurry for free!)

***
Also I have a bug bite on the bottom of my foot. I don’t know how to handle these things. They are like the Sudoku of bugbites…a real head-scratcher of a foot-itcher.

(SHPOILER ALERTZ?!)

I saw The Dark Knight finally. And I must say! There was this one scene where Random Mobster 42 made a really funny face when the Joker said something ridiculous. I mean, a really funny face. Like the kind you could send in to America’s Funniest Home Videos as an entry in itself. I’m surprised that the cameras did not pan in for a closer look. I wonder if later he brought up with a mobster friend what he found so gosh-darn weird about what the Clown Guy was saying, besides all of it.

Also did anyone else notice how the Joker kept telling everyone a different story about his scars? He must tell the worst stories at parties because it’s always slightly different but still like “LOOKIT ME!!! I WANT ATTENTION AND STUFF!!!” He’s definitely “that guy” at parties. Especially when he man-handled Rachel Dawes, and then got all up in her face even though he clearly needed a breath mint or something. I rolled my eyes and then they rolled me. It was that much exasperation. Men are such clowns, and clowns are such men. Am I right, LADIES?! *shrug*