No Fairport/Season’s Gratings

SURPRISE!!! Here’s that Yule Blog you all weren’t expecting! Cue piñata burst of emotion!

I thought flying home on Christmas Eve would be a good idea. But everyone else had the same idea so I can no longer lay claim to it in that hushed, conspiratorial whisper used by spies & people inside a library.

It’s bad enough that my airport shuttle driver handled the wheel like he was trying to break some kind of a record. The record being “Can you be an airport shuttle driver, but also audition for The Fast & The Furious franchise at the same time?”

Plus that airport was filled with kids! HUB? More like a HUBBUB, am I right, crickets?!?!

Sexy Tangent: What if Santa’s elves looked like the elves from Lord of the Rings? He would feel so insecure. All lithe, lanky, and lyrical. Santa would be knocking things over all the time, and they’d be like “Our crystals! Not again. Please. Go eat with the reindeer. You’re embarrassing the nature spirits.” [AND SCENE.]

Oops, I was talking about kids and I got derailed with my life plans. Kids’ll do that to you. They’ll also enrich your life in ways you never dreamed Mission Possible. Tom Cruise knows. The couch knows. Oprah knows.

For example, this happened earlier today: A small girl at my gate was slowly eating chips & staring at me. HELLO SOCIAL WATERBOARDING. I was about to volunteer government secrets I didn’t even have, like the Natural History Museum’s Holiday Hours.

Boiler Alert: Nothing happened, other than that I boarded the plane and I sat next to a crying baby and in front of a Karate Kid (nonstop seat kicking). KIDS! Cue spaghetti face.

Thought I Had Earlier: Is it tacky if I buy everyone neck pillows from Hudson News? And by everyone, I mean myself. And by myself, I mean nobody. And by neck pillow, I mean Bugles.

Well, from me and this woman in a leopard print onesie/footie pajamas walking around the LA airport this morning like she subletted the place, HAPPY YMAS. Y? Because I said so!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must donate all my Fabergé eggs to pseudoscience.

Artificial Sentiments for the Most Heartfelt Fake Criers

For my next trick, I’m attempting this holiday card nonsense. Writing and mailing them out, I mean.

So far, it’s going aight. That is alright minus the “L,” which means I’m barely hangin’ in there (leave off the last G for guessing how long I will last).

I did catch the end of The Sound of Music to replenish my stock of mushy+warm goodness in the ticker region to aid me in my writing of teeth-grittingly-saccharine summary messages of hope, cheer, and commentary on which pen I picked to write said friendship eulogy.

However, the fact that I want to put two days into each card and yet I just physically and mentally can’t, coupled with the grim reality that I can’t afford to make up the difference in crap note with over-the-budget-but-thoughtful gift, is enough to crack the faith of even the staunchest believer in the OCD religion.

Anyway, I’m thinking I will last through the A’s and then all bets are off. The pressure is ridiculous. Also, the family photo cards are questionably adorabullsheet, but if I did that, I would have to send a lithograph of me (a grown person) with my two even more grown parents behind my shoulders looking down at me disparagingly as I attempt to “hold” my life together in the form of a forced smile.

Who even likes getting carded?! I mean, sure, it’s flattering, but everyone dreads it. I mean holiday carded, for the vinyl.

photo courtesy of I Can Haz Cheezburger

I Am Draft Dodger

i conscientiously object to being an ice cube. i have a history of being cold. and this coldness has been associated with what others perceive as blatant rudeness in that i rarely remove my coat when at work or when at social engagements, including but not limited to, parties, happy hours, business meetings, fundraisers, sock hops, book club meetings, etc. i didn’t realize this behavior was interpreted as rude until i was bludgeoned with comments such as the following:

“leaving so soon?” (usually uttered 5 minutes slightly cruelly after i arrived at a location)

“ready to go already?” (ditto the above)

“stay awhile, why don’t you?” (3 for 3, houston)

but it’s not like i enjoy having lazy circulation. in fact, the few days have been above and beyond any past feat of weakness. i have been dodging drafts, both real and imagined, nonstop for the recent past bordering on the very current present and dripping into the sordid future.

frozen waterfall = beautiful; frozen me = pitiful.
photo courtesy of Flickr and righto….

at the moment, i am severely chilled like a fine wine, minus the flavor that comes with a chintzy vintage. i’d rather be slightly melted brie! do you even know how much more comfortable that analogy is temperature-wise?!

i have never been so nonstop cold for so many straight days in a row. no matter how much i wiggle my toes or put on another layer of socks or oven mitts, i can’t shake the blocky, indurate feeling of saplike blood just inching through my veins daring me to call it out. alright blood i get it, you’re taking a few vacation days! in the meantime, i am sweating snowflakes! no seriously, even when i layer to the point of sweating, the sweat is cold. it doesn’t even make sense! this is right up there with no-wrinkle pants and fake tattoos in it being a very merry unholy miracle!

that being grievanced, the highlights magazines of my holidays so far have been:

– requisite baby being more enchanted by gift paper than actual gift in opening of his first present; adorable quota reached!

– my two tiny nieces coloring on wall night before big merry heyday and almost getting the punishment of no presents (chiefly in the form of art supplies) the morning after except auntie aparna only got them art supplies…hw’oops.

– keeping my dad up on a long drive home from a holiday party by making him sing boys II men out loud with me. seat-dancing included. we also counted wal-marts to pass the time.

– being asked to perform stand up at a party for the guests. sorry madames and misters, your cards have been…declined, declined, declined. do you even understand how much more painful that would be for you than for me?! do you even. ok. fine. won’t go there. not in my pathetic state.

– getting all the adults i know gift cards for zee ‘mas and being told (by my dad, no less) that gift cards are out this year. then getting a list of said reasons (by my mom, in fact!) why they’re out (she raised some good points, as well as the roof). this after being thanked and mildly scolded for said gift cards.

i’m sorry. this list has been interrupted because my brain just froze over.

time to go make my room into a dutch oven (not the kind some of you are thinking, blech).

not hot enough. more coals in my stocking!
photo courtesy of Flickr and DWQ

happy toasty days to all, and to all a roasty night!!