Glamwich 2: State of the Bread Union

So yesterday’s samwich was such a hit that I had my people tell Daddums to make me another one!

Unfortunately, we were out of spinach. But that never stopped a kitchen magnate! When in doubt, add cheese.

My favorite part about Dabble’s sandwiches is he always employs the highest security measures in protecting their artistic underbellies, as if after all that hard work, to have them damaged or disturbed in some way by a lazy, uninspired criminal would be unconscionable.

Please witness the levels:

Level 1: Note the note! It has my name on it so that anybody who pillages the office fridge will know that this edible rectangle belongs to not just anybody, but SOMEBODY!!!

Above and beyond that, the note is written in pink highlighter. When you want to highlight words of import, you utilize one of these bad boys. But when you want to flat out make a statement, you just straight up write it in highlighter.

Level 2: Shrink wrap. Even mind games dare not enter here! Full surface area: We got it covered!

Level 3: Rubber bandits! One runs lengthwise and one runs horizontally. A window into an impenetrable fortress of calories!

Level 4: We made it past the elastics, but what’s this?! Wax paper? How profound! “My motivation to filch this masterpiece is waning,” thinks the unmotivated robber.

Level 5: The diagonal cut! While many think of this maneuver as purely aesthetic, little do they know that even the noodliest head brain behind an operation can’t fathom his treasure being maimed in any way! A scar right down the middle? Crime game over!!! Blame game is just starting though.

Level 5.1: Not really a level, but I ate half so we don’t have to worry about the double safety measures anymore!

Level 5.2: Man, I am doing a great job looking out for this lil’ guy!

Level 5.3: Well, case closed, gumshoes! It was an open-and-shut incident of deliciousness with intent to gastronomically dazzle.

Level 5.4: And that’s a saran wrap, folks!

P.S. I love Jezebel’s Pie v. Cake March Madness bracket so much!!!

Normally, Internet trashtalking is one of my least favorite things, but how can you resist this poetry?

“This weekend, my husband was yapping excitedly about key lime pie’s chances in pie vs cake. I was uncharacteristically silent. He slowly turned to me and said softly with dawning awareness, “You’re on Team Cake, aren’t you.”

I swear he was watching a montage in his head of all of the moments in the last five years he’s seen me eating cake, set to something like A Whiter Shade of Pale or Dust in the Wind. It was a real Hitchcock moment for him.” (via funzette)


“Who put pumpkin and lemon meringue in the same bracket? This is like Sophie’s Choice for me. I hate you guys.” (via jenrobe)

P.P.S. On the very subject of delectables, both my parents seem to enjoy pleasantly personalizing their food packaging styles. For instance, here was a box of cupcakes my Mother presented to me the other week. She herself added all the smiley visages. Due to the lighting, they take on a ghastly air, scrumptiousness factor notwithstanding.

Customer Disservice

so yesterday morning i went to the seemingly happiest starbucks ™ on earth.

the first guy (let’s call him mr. barista) who assaulted me with customer service said “g’morning m’am!” with a lilt in his voice. a lilt before 11am?! how dare he!

then mr. barista called the guy in front of me “cap’n”. yeah. i know. this guy looked like a lee hotti lookalike at best, but mr. barista persisted with “how’s the world treatin’ you there, cap’n?!” even in a coffeeshop on a ship, that wouldn’t be acceptable lingo banter to throw around.

i gave everyone around me a look like “are you all seriously just standing here allowing this to happen? i’m new. don’t expect me to get involved.” it was a really long communicative look.

then from behind the counter this jolly man (let’s call him mocha mike) friendly-yell-asked what i wanted. and i was like wow way to put me on the spot buddo.

and mocha mike was like “do you want whip on that?” with a twinkle in his eye. how was my drink even ready?! i just ordered it. and i was like “uhhh no” and he was like “that’s what i thought” really loudly with a giggle.

EXCUSE ME?! you keep yer giggles to yerself. i don’t know what’s so damn funny.

my outrage was akin to hers
photo courtesy of Flickr and bs70

everyone was dancing. that’s how happy it was in there. people were just tossing their coffee everywhere splash splish splosh sploosh willy nilly havin a grand ole time.

anyway, i went back today to do damage control. and there was a long line of sour faces, and i felt relieved but also slightly pensive about whether yesterday was all a dream. then i realized what it was.

the special seasonal drinks came out yesterday.

today, it was back to the grinder. though they were handing out gingerbread latte samples, that wasn’t enough to quiet the angry pinstripe-blue-shirt-with-white-collar-and-black-suspendered man on line in front of me who had important places to go. i just secretly wished the barista woulda called him cap’n. he would’ve lunged!