I Guess I Pulled the Long Straw This Time

Well, I got coffee again this morning.

But just to change things up, I switched evil corporate alliances.

I know, I know. I am a fickle consumer with little to no brand loyalty.

But here’s what I ended up with!

Check out the straw on this bad boy! (Actual Size!!!)

This drink reeks of self-importance.


Again, with slightly less mediocre lighting…

We interrupt this broadcast for a PLUGGAROO OF A PODCAST: my local stand up-friend Jeff Maurer does comedy podcasts. Here is the link to them! I am on the third one. Check it out. It’s about dames telling jokes.

One Bad Case of Stage Rage: an "I was on my period" Piece

well. it finally happened. i snapped onstage.

innocents: don’t try this at home. mainly because you need an audience for the full effect/embarrassment factor.

i was a riled up beast: half-pointed-rage and half-hot-mess. i would envision the gawker write-up as a well-intentioned but blunt lamp over a cheating lover’s head.

step aside, cloverfield. i’m the real monster.
photo courtesy of Flickr and eliazar

it was the last show (after 4 years of kwality open microphones) at a popular local venue (rhymes with proctor schemo’s) that has a reputation for being loud and fratty. and the night was going pretty impeccably for a swan song rendition of a ha-ha show. energy was high. the room was filled from back to front – packed, stacked, and cracked. there were big laughs flowin’ like beer and beer flowin’ like…also beer.

and then there was an incident! megacrushin’ local comic erik myers took the stage, and one minute into his act, he dislocated his knee during a routine high-kick. he collapses to the stage. and the audience doesn’t realize it’s still a joke. and these guys in the front keep laughing. in that moment, it exemplified how i feel about the room.

a guy in pain on the ground. drunk people laughing at him. that was it. something in me snapped. i was no longer there “just to have fun.” everytime i entered this place on wednesdays, i came in strapped with my explosive “issues” [bad choice of words] and i left with ten times as much baggage! most of it not even mine! [excuse my country grammar]

i had had it. people continued crushing after poor erik got help, and then when i got onstage, i already wasn’t sure what was going to happen. but here’s what did happen. i saw several people get up to go get drinks or leave, and a whole bunch of talking started. and i got mad.

commence yelling sequence. i don’t remember what most of the yelling was about. but i did play several race cards [bizarro michael richards though – i was hating on the majority]. it was mostly pure unbridled anger at the audience, and all the bad sets (85% of the time) i’d ever had at that place. and why i couldn’t deal with the fact that they never listened to anything i said or respected me [pure break-up speak].

i told 4 jokes total – all about two lines each. all intermixed with screaming “SHUTTTTT UPPPPP” at the audience, more ranting at some poor gentlemen wearing button-down shirts (i suddenly decided that their attire was offensive), and some good old-fashioned SHRIEKING at which point one girl covered her ears with her hands. i knocked the stool over at the beginning, and then pushed it offstage later. and finally, at the end, for the coup de grace, i dropped the microphone and walked off. end rage.

i don’t know what my breakdown was worth in the long run. it was certainly the most emotional i’ve ever been onstage. so in that sense, it was a smilestone. i did get a few high fives from other comics, one “you da man”, one MC chastising the audience for “making Aparna mad”, one “hey it’s brave to get up there on that stage” from a drunk, one “your set was good. not funny-good, but i enjoyed it,” and several suggestions to have more frequent rage blackouts.

well, goodbye dremo’s. our abusive relationship has ended. i can’t wait to see you in a year or so. you will be housing for rich people. i will be a bit more calm and collected. we will both still avoid eye contact.