G-Rated Wanderlust

Because it’s spring now, more and more people are putting up lists of their upcoming life events/engagements/summering locations!

This is generally so that they have things to look forward to so that life doesn’t become a monotonous hamster wheel running on electricity generated by a potato (self-referential)!

Anywhoo, because I’m jealous and petty, I want my own list. Without further ado about nothing:

April 1: Pretty much a regular day like any other. Wink.

April 12-14: Field trip to my kidney [get in touch with Miss Frizzle to finalize travel permits].

Miss Frizzle, in chicken form
photo courtesy of Flickr and just chaos

March 8-9, 2004: Go back in time–say hey to old me, tell her to stop freaking out, come back. Note to self: eat dinner after you come back, or you’ll be hungry again [most common time travel snafu].

April 20-23: Cairo, Texas!!! For ancestor’s cousin’s neighbor’s daughter’s current boyfriend’s didgeridoo recital. Note to self: Bring waterproof passport.

playing one is a didgeridoozy
photo courtesy of Flickr and Miguel Frutos

April 31: Doesn’t exist. Celebrate that.

May 5-6: Bunny’s wedding? Note to self: Buy/find a bunny. Draw a face on a carrot in edible ink. Rent out a high school gymnasium. Send out Evite.

May 12-?: Marinate some peas.

June 2: Bunny’s divorce proceedings. Finalize paperwork. Call tabloids.

photo courtesy of Flickr and Climbing Rocks

June 4-20: Traveling on coast of Spain via Google Earth. Note to self: Photoshop yourself into various pictures, and blog accordingly.

July 4: BBQ at Steve’s. Note to self: Get back in touch with Steve to minimize awkwardness.

July 15: Yearly physical. Note to self: Get TB test.

July 22: Pick up milk. Jog for Slothfulness Awareness (telethon)!

July 27-31: 2008 PTA Conference in the abandoned warehouse behind Chicago, IL.

August 21: Olympics Happy Hour.

wacky-colored chairs = one zany happy hour
photo courtesy of Flickr and acnatta

September 4, 2008-November 4, 2009: Watch The Secret everyday. Chart progress, or lack thereof.

More Like Gift Store! HEHEHEHEHE.

it’s high time for the updating game! update-my-mom! who wants to upmarry-my-dad?

no you can’t. that was a joke.

speaking of my mother, she’s been getting increasingly cheeky these days. yesterday morning she ran into my room squealing “lookit my belt! lookit my belt!” and i’ll be honest. it was an impressive belt. it was very wide and black with an ornate gold buckle. a real statement-maker. so i rounded my eyes appropriately and cooed & oohed, and then she giggled like a schoolgirl and ran away! i tell ya! i barely had half an eye open.

emphasis on schoolgirl though. she’s taking a conversational spanish class, and whenever my mom returns to academia, she gets really giddy. that gene skipped a generaciĆ³n.

meanwhile, my cellphone is living in the past! the date and time on it are for last friday afternoon. i’m trying to remember what happened then in case it’s trying to tell me something memento-style. but no, i think it’s just a sentimental headcase. actually, i lost it for a few moons so maybe it’s just being nostalgic for the good old days before i became a neglectful parent. I GET THE POINT, MOTOROLLYBABY. i’ll upload a nice bubble bath ringtone later. howzatsound?

anyway. i didn’t come here to talk about my problems. i have stories. i went to a diner the other night WITH CHAMPAGNE ON THE MENU. 24-hours of champagne! breakfast all day, but also mimosas. i had my first mimosa this past weekend so i’m trying to tie everything together like an amateur. when is it not appropriate to have champagne?


i’ll take my bubbly blurry, please. champagne goggles?

breakfast/brunch/lunch? no.
dinner? no.
afternoon snack? yer pushing it, but must be a good day/the worst day ever! i’ll toast to either.

***

in funclusion, nadia and i trolled the suburbs this past weekend for vintage clothing. ok mainly one thrift store. we had to go way far out, past neighborhoods where nadia commented “these are the ‘mom jeans’ of houses.” [brilliant] and finally we got there. it was impressive. like a strip mall oasis with a bargain king lording over it!


what a name. nothing screams counterculture more.

but the insides were just as fantastic as the outsides. not only was everything organized impeccably like a retail flea sale, but the knick knacks section alone was something to detail in a photo essay.

so without further ado, in the name of speaking literally rather than metaphorically…

I PRESENT…

TOP 3 “UNIQUE” KNICK KNACKS FROM THE SUBURBAN THRIFT STORE!!!

NUMBAH VUN.

free drug-endorsed coaster storage unit

Because for a small fee, my overly useful free stuff can be your “free” stuff! Who doesn’t endorse allergy medication?! Once your coaster’s job is done, the fun has just begun. Stack it, pack it, admire it. For maximal gains, use with drug-endorsed coasters (preferably not a Claritin competitor. Allegra, I’m looking at you. Ahhh Allegra? More like Ahh-chooo! ZING ZONG!)

NUMBAH TOO.

sturdy jar of assorted sugars and grains

Because you don’t want the apocalypse to catch you unprepared! Sweeten up your locust-ridden crop with this handy quick-fix. Also goes great between an olive jar and a pickle jar to prevent inbreeding. I’m pretty sure this gem was someone’s science fair project.

and fer the grand finale-

NUMBAH TREE.

statuette of our nation’s finest protecting hapless little girlboy

Because when you see this, your first thought is ‘You. My Mantel. Now.’ I want to see the face of the (wo)man who made this avant-garde collectible. Also keeps away bullies/pedophiles/friends/neighbors/family/everyone.