You’re Never Out of Orbit When You’re a Space Cadet

I can’t stop buying Orbit gum. Their marketing campaign is genius. Basically, they put out new flavors faster than you can stick out your tongue and say “Aaaaaahhh…stinky.” The whole revenue machine ties itself very firmly to that primitive instinct first developed in the average consumer during the Happy Meal/Burger King Crown era wherein the object of the game was to COLLECT ALL 4 WACKY ZIP AROUND CARS (SPARKLE LIP POWDERS IF YE WERE A GIRL)!

Hello there, stranger.
photo courtesy of Flickr and powerbooktrance

And let me backtrack speedily. They’re not just any flavors! They’re alluring, tantalizing, Grecian goddess-dropping-grapes-into-salivating-mouth-type flavors with tangy cocktail names that beckon your breath to a permanent state of happy hour-ish bliss. Or so you think.

If you actually dare try such concoctions as “Mint Mojito”, “Maui Melon Mint”,”Fabulous Fruitini”, or “Sangria Fresca”(and let’s be honest, the names are already starting to veer off into that territory known as “Too good to be true”), you don’t exactly know what to expect on the tropical horizon.

Here’s the (sun) umbrella verdict: Peh! Which is the sound of gum being spit out of a mouth.

Time for a close-up!
photo courtesy of Flickr and stevendamron

Here is a listing of all current Orbit flavors in existence (according to Wiki). Apparently it’s been an on-and-off Wrigley brand since 1944. I wonder what other flavors are hidden up the bunker’s sleeve.

Here are some Orbit product reviews/candid cameos (not a lot of happily-ever-afters):

  • Sangria Fresca
  • Fabulous Fruitini
  • Picture of the elusive, limited-edition Positive Pomegranate Orbit. This is all I found. Eerie, I agree. The gum I mean (it looks like a UFO).
  • The fresh-off-the-shelves-get-it-while-you-still-can Strawberry Mint!
  • Oh yeah, and who can forget those wacky TV ads:

    They should make Norbit gum. Big on tasteless, and also not great for your career.

    (Thanks be to K-George for the tip.)