Events That Transpired (Whilst I Perspired) Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway (As in Pretty Far Away From It)…

Foreword: New NBC blob is up (please to excuse the formatting, or lack thereof)! FOR DA SUMMAH, ya hrrd?

Back to the Now: So I was in the Giant Crabapple, holidazed and confused, for the past few Earth rotations. Gawd, could I get anymore intellectual?! Sometimes it kills me too (how avant-garde and worldly I am—duh)!

More like New York Pretty!

The truth is I was there for a last-minute audition for the TeeVee. Trying out for a part related to a ha-ha program they air on the metal box in some peoples’ living rooms. I have to speak about it vaguely because I am a highly private person with highly private parts.

I jetted north in the finest of buses operated by the most Jewish of people, and arrived just in time to sit in front of casting directors and be a Nervous Nelly (the rapper, not Furtado). Who even knows how it went! Briefly is one adverb that comes to mind. Ah, the life of a meteorite speck that keeps getting in the way of shooting stars!

As if that weren’t enough, I also had to sit in the waiting room with Madame Fidget herself (also incidentally trying out for the same part as I) who was wearing strappy heels with a strappy shirt, and looked a lot more “charactery and cute” than I did (what the part description called for).

Where figurative suspense hangs in the air like literal beads of sweat…
photo courtesy of Flickr and jeffk

In the few minute span in which I sat in her company, she changed sitting positions no less than five times, took out a snack, put it away, took it out again, signed her name in on the list, checked the clock, checked her lines, checked the clock, sighed breathily, checked her phone, drank some bubbled water, changed positions for a record sixth time, looked at her snack and halfheartedly tried to open the packaging, looked at her lines, looked at the clock, eyed me skeptically, and adjusted her shopping bags (she brought shopping bags!). Don’t even worry though…she morphed into a complete professional when her name was called.

The rest of the weekend was rampantly delightful. Rampant is the only adjective that amply suits how much delight was contained within a couple sunrises and sunsets. Rather than bore youze with chronology, here were other things that happened:

  • I got to perform a last-minute comedy set at Caroline’s on Broadway thanks to some kind friends. Oooh wow oooh whee. I had a real fun time too. I definitely got a look of “o rly” from the audience when I got onstage, but I think I proved my right to be there. Also, as a bonus treat, the MC called me a terrorist (to be fair & lovely to him, it was said jokingly…) as soon as I got offstage as well as some other unsavory jabs in my direction. That was not my favorite moment in life, but eh, other people, am I right?!
  • I saw an army of rats doing some kind of routine training exercise in the subway around 1:30am. It mainly involved them all scampering down to the tracks, and then quickly returning to their lodgings on the same level as the yoomans. This was repeated several times with dramatic effect. This exasperated-looking Asian businessman tried to establish his dominance over them taking up so much space, but the especially well-grown (farmfed?) Rat King put him back in his place right quick.

    Who dares to challenge the Rat King?!

  • My magnanimous friend Rashi and I went on a late-night cupcake binge at none other than Magnolia Bakery. The line was so long out the door that they employed a bouncer/wrangler to keep watch over the streetpeople.

    Hello beautifuls.

    Space cake!

    We ended up eating our sugar fixes in a park where each corner was ruled by a different breed of Crazy (note the capital C). The park also had some lifesize male and female statues in it just to confuse everyone even more.

    At one point, a man strolled through the park, only stopping to pat the male statues on the head. He ignored the female ones. He then announced (to no one in particular): “Can’t touch the bitches! They turn back to life!” Insta-classic.

  • My friend Andy’s new loft is hella dope. The area around it is scenic to…say the least. Scenic in the way of used syringes and bloody napkins. I didn’t even bother with the picture proof. Still. Location, location, loc-k your doors.

    Lofty Living! Lofty Living: The Sequel! Lofty Living: The Rooftop! (completes the trilogy)

  • Somehow I ended up in a penthouse on the Upper East Side to watch the fireworks for July Fourth, and by somehow I mean, the kindness of strangers. The kindness of strangers much younger than me who have internships in the city for the summer. For one night and one night only, I was a college co-ed with a hankering for Cranium, a lot of parent-funded goals, and a need to cut loose on the dance floor to all the latest Top-40 hits (and misses), as well as retro (say what) late-90s jams.


  • Rashi and I were trying to experience NYC on a budget since we’re both currently questionable when it comes to financial wherewithal. Well, that backfired quickly. We ended up at Gobo—where vegetables go to become pricier, and then don’t forget the French art film “The Last Mistress” which involved a lot of sex and violence (at the same time). This interview with the director explains it all.

    However, we saved ourselves by stumbling upon some free music in Father Demo park. Music provided by the Pianoman himself! This guy wheeled a piano into the park with his drummer friend, and then proceeded with his concert! He also congratulated himself after each song (via shaking his clasped hands on each side of his head. What do you call that?). He also occasionally broke out into Bob Dylan-esque shouty lyrics. It was outstanding.

    You could also see the Empire State Building at the same time! For free!

    See?! There it is!

  • Busride back to DC involved overhearing most annoying conversation ever between two girls of parent-funded age.

    Girl #1: So is your dad picking you up from the busstop?

    Girl #2: (sounding plagued) Yeah. Gaaaaawwwwd.

    Girl #1: What should we do for dinner?

    Girl #2: Gawd. I don’t even know. I want to save money, but there will be nothing to eat at home. Plus I really want a Tuna Melt from Cosi.

    *Girl #2’s phone rings*

    Girl #2: Ughh. Yeah no, we’re not in yet. No. No. Ughhh. Ok fine. Whatever. Alright. Huh? I was going to get a Tuna Melt from Cosi. What? Ughhhh. Ok fine. Bye.

    Girl #1: What happened?

    Girl #2: It was my Daaaaad. He was like “There’s fresh corn at home” and I was like “Um, that’s not a Tuna Melt from Cosi.”

    Girl #1: Hahah.

    Girl #2: I knooooow. Gawd. We have to go back to NYC, like, next weekend.

    Aparna: *head explodes*

PS(sssst): I was in the bookstore yesterday, and I almost finished a whole book there! Then I didn’t even buy it. I just left. That’s super cheating. Later, I watched a scary movie. So the world got even (I peed my pants).

Guilty as charged.

(Yes, I know that I look out of it. We all have our shortcomings. But mind you, an octopus was sucking my brain out when this picture was taken.)