i just ate a soggy sangwich, and it tasted like nothing (remnants of the flu civilization that once roamed my insides)! i literally consumed the entire specimen, and felt like something was weird about the whole experience. and only afterward did i realize, what a particularly grotesque and primitive adventure consumption is without the saving grace of flavor.

well, how’d that end up on there?
photo courtesy of Flickr and Toronja Azul

and now to contradict myself, voss water needs to calm down about itself as a drinking experience. it is the big sunglasses of water. i understand it’s just trying to get its point of view across but for the love of a modestly clean !ambloom04:faucet!, if i hear one more company say it’s the only true agua straight from the mouths of artesian spring babies, i might have to do a little investigating into what a “virgin aquifier” really is. yeah i ended on a verb. yeah i did. that’s how serious i am. look i just did it again.

lo behold, the ambrosia of thor!
photo courtesy of Wikipedia

this is from their website, which lets you choose an appropriate mood backdrop for your viewing experience including various voss water bottles in myriad states of perspiration as well as an ice floe and a blue horizon of emptiness.

“Perhaps more to the point in today’s world of lifestyle trends, Voss’s stunning cylindrical package has quickly developed a superior image and significant market share in the ultra-premium bottled water segment.”

ul-tu-ra-pree-mee-yum. stunning cylindrical package. market share. what are these terms?! yeah if i had $20,000 to spend on water per year, maybe i’d be drinking deionized fairy nymph tears too, but until then, i’ll be in the deer park (that’s right. it’s bottled. what’s yer point?)